An Adoption Story

Every time I think about sitting down to write, I go blank. There is so much to say - I could talk about attachment, siblings, Deafness, new routines, new love, a new level of busy and tired (and I have been trying to maintain a bit of sewing to keep from loosing myself completely in paint, trips to the park and laundry, so I could even just write about the latest sewing)...but it all seems scattered and lost in the chaos.

So, I think to help organize my mushy brain I will start at the beginning. I hope that it will help me process how the heck we got here and maybe help others understand or give insight into what a crazy and incredible journey adoption is.

Here it is, Jonathan's Adoption Story.

In December 2010 I was told that I may have Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) - basically a condition that means my ovaries (but I only gots one due to a cyst destroying the other 10 years ago...so ovari?!) ran out of eggs a wee bit too early (I was 30) and basically I was going into menopause. You can read more about POF here.

I was lost. I was hurt and crushed and felt things that I don't even know how to describe. Like most people who struggle with infertility, there is a process of grief to run through and boy did I run. I struggled with the loss of not being able to have children but also had much concern over the health implications such as increased risk to heart disease, breast cancer and osteoporosis to consider as well. There was Hormone Replacement Therapy to think about, fertility gods to consult, calcium to start taking, bone scans to schedule and many many doctors. It was a scary time.
 
Gord and I were both freaked out. So we did what we do - we jumped on a plane. Gord surprised me with a trip to Cuba for a week so we could clear our heads and just be us. Gawd I love that man. It allowed us to escape our everyday and try to process it all. For the first week of January 2011, I felt like me again. Normal. Happy in my flipflops and in the sunshine. And a world away from my grief.

I was referred to a specialist, but while we waited for our appointment we were told that it may still be possible to have kids and to try. In August 2011 we had our specialist appointment and it was confirmed that I did indeed have POF. I went through all the emotions again, this time with the added bonus of having hot flashes for a few months too (I think my body was reacting to the shock as I haven't had them again since).  We also met with the fertility clinic (amongst a lifetime worth of doctors in a few short months). But this was all just formality and going through the motions of what I/we were suppose to do. We knew immediately  that we would not spend years pursuing intense and costly fertility treatments through egg donation, which was our only option. It just wasn't for us. We knew that if we were going to raise a child together, something we really wanted to do, adoption was the obvious choice.

International adoption was never a consideration and after a brief panic strickin', emotionally fueled week of insisting we need to go through private adoption because I wanted a baby, I needed a baby to make me feel like a 'real' mom (oh lordy I could write a really long post about that one), it seemed pretty normal to choose to adopt from our local foster care system. Perhaps it was because we were a blended family and our definition of family has always been very broad, or maybe because we work in the social work field and along side the foster care system, but choosing to adopt locally from foster care just seemed to fit and be the right decision. And so we began.


We filled out and mailed away FOUR PAGES. Yep, 4 pages about a human being who would rock our world that we didn't even know. Seems a bit odd. But then again, the whole process is a bit odd!


Our 4 pages were filled out in mid October 2011. Just before Christmas time we recieved a package in the mail with training dates, information and a contact name. In January and February we completed our "training", 5 days of listening to things about trauma, FASD, attachment and resources - all things we already knew. But, regardless it was done.

It was around this time that I learned of Jonathan through my boss who was doing respite for him occasionally. As I was talking to her one day in her office about where we were in our adoption process, she told me about Johnathan and showed me a picture. I was done. That was him. That was my boy. I didn't say it out loud for fear of being told I was crazy.

But in my heart I knew.

To say it out loud would have been ridiculous - we were many steps and months away, maybe even another year away from starting to think about placement. And, we didn't know anything about this kid.

But I knew.

The fact that he was Deaf and was learning ASL seemed like it was meant to be as I had wanted to be an interpreter when I was younger and attended college for a year before changing my mind- but not before falling in love with signing.

That night, I showed Gord the picture and he quickly looked away and said it was way to early to start thinking about that and we shouldn't have pictures of him anyway (he was right). But I know now that he was on team Jonathan too.

We pushed him to the back of our minds as best we could but kept track through my boss of his whereabouts. We got assigned a social worker and let her know that we knew of this boy and we would be interested in adopting him, if it was determined he was a good fit for our family.

Our home study, a long process of giving your life story and intimate details about your upbringing, your relationships, and everything in between was completed in early July 2012 and we were deemed to be somewhat responsible and capable people to parent a child and we were approved as an official adoptive home. There were a couple more meetings with our social worker and a few phone calls before we found out that we were in fact a good fit for Jonathan.

Whoa. It was actually happening.

We were given a date for our Information Sharing - a meeting where you learn all about your potential child. Their needs, strengths, history etc. We also got to talk to the school, his therapists, social worker and foster mom. But his meeting at this point, was almost a month away.

The waiting and the process up until this point was easy. Now, knowing that our boy was right there, but we still had to wait, well that was rough. I found it really difficult and may have got a tad bit irritable and grumpy. Gord and I were both very stressed (he was also publishing a book and going to school for his Masters) so to say we were busy and overwhelmed would be an understatement. Throw in highly charged emotions and an unknown future and you get two people about to burst at the seams.

The whole process had come to this peak, and we stood on the peak waiting for the signal to start running down the other side but it was like the gate was stuck we still had to stand there and wait. So we stood on the peak about to burst and we did what we do when we get to any peak - we jumped on a plane. We took off to Seattle for the weekend. We aren't good at not traveling when we are stressed. It was what we needed and it was nice to do some of the waiting amongst different scenery for a few days.

Finally, our Info Share day came and we went through an overwhelming 4 hours of history and details on Jonathan. We learned of his bio parents, siblings, his multiple placements, his personality, his strengths and his needs etc. Although we knew it would be a lot to take in and we were prepared for it, nothing can really prepare you for it all and by the end of the day, our heads really felt like they might explode. It wasn't so much the actual content of the information it was just the volume of it all and the enormity of what we were about to venture into. We'd been talking and planning and talking and talking so much for the past year, even before that really, and now it all came down to us saying one word. Yes. Yes we want this little guy full of love and a fire in his belly forever. Yes yes yes. It was huge.

(*Like many other adoptive parents we have chosen not to disclose much of Jonathan's history except to close friends and family. It is his story to share and one that he will come to learn as he grows up and is able to understand more and if he chooses to share than it will be his decision)

A realllly looooong week later we got to meet Jonathan at his foster moms' house. It was a very surreal couple hours, but felt very normal as well. It all seemed like it was meant to be. Not that I didn't have my doubts and think 'holy sh*# how are we going to handle this?' but that was definitely not our only, or first, thoughts!  For five days we met and visited with Jonathan in the evening times. One night Gord and I took him out to dinner and I think that was our real holy sh*# moment. It felt chaotic and we fumbled around with this little stranger who seemed to be ruling over us. In hindsight, I think it was simply too soon and if we would have put that off a few days we would have felt much more confident in venturing something like dinner, or anything in public really!

A week after we met, Jonathan spent the night and officially moved in. It's been about a month now and we are slowly getting use to our new normal and starting to establish new routines and settle into life with a 4 year old.

It's been a huge adjustment on not only our routines but also our patience, our personal time, energy levels, brain capacity...nothing is goes untouched by adoption. One of the biggest adjustments has been with Anthony and how Jonathan has affected him. I hope to write more about that, as well as some of the other challenges that comes with adopting an older child and some of Jonathan's needs (having a Deaf child, attachment, etc) and things around defining being a mom and infertility in the weeks months to come (maybe with a bit of sewing and other everyday life stuff thrown in too).

For now though, I will practice expanding my patience, enjoy every hug and laugh, sit in wonderment at this little guys resilience, and try to get some extra sleep:)

Mushy Brain

There is so much to write about...but my brain is failing to string anything smart or well written together. The thoughts are forming, slowly in my mushy lovestruck brain, and hopefully soon I'll be able to spit them out.

What I can say for sure is that we are in a state of happiness, emotional and physical exhaustion, and a very big adjustment for Anthony.

This little boy has brought so much joy in just a few short days it's incredible. He's into everything, curious as a monkey, busy as the busiest boy you've ever met. But underneath the crazy he's got a sweet heart and the best smile. Even things like a 4am wake up call this morning was made ok by a good nap with him snuggled in beside me on the couch all cozy. I loved every. single. minute.

I love every busy, constant moment of 'mommy? mommy? mommy?....'

It makes me very happy. And happy is something even a mushy brain can recognize.

Jonathan

Yesterday we met our little boy! It was overwhelming yet very easy and natural at the same time. He recognized us from our pictures and called us mommy and daddy. I melted a little and started to cry but held off the ugly cry once I took a moment to breath. We played and hung out for an hour or so and he hugged us goodbye.

He's full of beans, very smart, and very expressive.

This kid is amazing.

For the rest of the night we kept looking at each other with a 'did that just really happen?' look. It's hard to believe after thinking about that moment so many times that it actually finally happened.

We will continue to do some visits over the next week building up to him spending Monday night with us and if all goes well he will just stay. Tonight, Anthony is coming to meet Jonathan. Anthony's been a little hot and cold but over all a little  in different about the whole situation. But, this past weekend he really got interested and was asking questions and maybe even got a little excited.

This morning, when he opened his door, he woke up to a celebration of his new big brother status:

He was pretty tickled.

We cannot wait to go back and spend more time getting to know this little person. 

There is so much more I want to write but don't know if I can without turning into a fountain. I think I need some time to process things and just to sit back and enjoy the moments that are coming our way. 

Thank everyone for you're amazing support and excitement for us! 

We are so happy to be a family of FOUR now!!!

Almost there!

Infoshare. Check.
Information overload. Check.
Meet my little boy...still waiting!

We are through some of the official business; that happened Friday and both of us, running on only a few hours of sleep, had so many names and dates and thoughts and images of seeing our little guy at preschool (man alive he is cute) running through our heads that we felt like they were going to pop right off.

The rest of the official business comes tomorrow when we formally say yes to our worker. There is also a court shindig tomorrow to wrap up a document that should never have existed in the first place, but we are expecting no issues. 

Next up, a transition plan will be put into place and we are hoping by late this week to go meet the little guy and start moving him into his forever home over the next couple of weeks!!!

So you know there's that. Whateves. No big deal. HA!

Also, this has been happening:

Cooked my first Turkey!

 

The cats have been extra cute and extra cuddly since it got chilly out.

I took this as a sign to start making a scarf

 

Had an epic (5 hours counts as epic right?) board game night with some friends 

and an impromptu date night with my love.

 We went for a walk/hike one day...and then this happened

 I found The Jackpot. Plus we bought a few wee things for the little guy. 

You may sense a theme in his items.

 I baked banana bread today and have been slowly figuring out my dehydrator. 

You'd think it would be simpler....

I've also been working away on my two quilts. Perhaps I will even come close to finishing one tomorrow if I...ahem...cough...cough...stay home from work tomorrow:) Got to stay busy somehow to keep away the crazy waiting!

Bring it on

Yesterday it was hard to breath.

The excitement of it all, now that it's only a week away, was brought up a notch as 7 days suddenly seems tangible. 7 days is doable and foreseeable. 7 days seems like a good place to count down from.
The butterflies moved in.

We officially began freakin' out.

My head is everywhere; can't focus, can't keep on topic during a conversation. Even if that conversation is about J it spurs a maze of off-shooting thoughts.

How the heck do I get through the next week?! Today as I was driving home from work, I thought for a moment that it wasn't actually safe for me to be driving. Yep, that's how far my brain has wondered. I had to take deep breaths and turn up the talk radio to try to get out of my head.

Breath.

Breath.

Breath.

I figure tomorrow I start list writing. That always seems to calm me down.

And we made some celebration plans.

Thursday night, the night before our Infoshare and possibly the last night Gord and I will have just the two of us (because of the way Anthony's schedule is with his mom's house and if things move like we think they will we are assuming it's THE last night of our half time parenting), we are going out to celebration the end of a chapter in our lives together. We are going to a restaurant that we can't take kids to and we are going to celebrate US. Then on Saturday we are going to celebrate Anthony and his last few moments of being an only child and do something that we wouldn't do with a 4 year old -  We are going to bundle up once it's dark and drive out of town and do some star gazing (and if we are lucky see some northern lights). And we will probably eat cake. Late at night. Just because we can. And four year olds, well they can't, so that's pretty special.

Bring it on; the tears, the excitement, the joy, the fear, the everything. I'm so ready for this.

Fall photo explosion.

We have had a beautiful fall. Usually in Calgary we get summer and winter but every few years we actually get a few weeks of warm days, cool nights and yellow leaves on the trees for more than 3 days (really, they're all yellow, no orange, no red. Yellow). It's been fantastic.

After getting the news about our match and scheduling our Information Sharing (for October 19th - yeah yeah!) we've been balancing all the excitement and freaking out with carrying on with our everyday...or at least going through the motions but now just with all kinds of crazy thoughts running in our heads! This is what we've been up to:

 Enjoying a real fall and harvesting the last morsals of our wee garden

Enjoying no-rush weekend cooking and dressing like I'm 

going to the county fair in my new boots (from Seattle:)

 

 Enjoying being tourists in our own city during a city open house 

(yyc naked) and exploring cool old buildings and spaces.

 

Getting Anthony into the new hobby of model building. And this one I'm not enjoying, but had to post it - Yep that's a spider in my grapes. You can see where I just pulled one off and ate it before discovering this little friend. I did enjoy that he was dead. I'm now in thearpy.

Enjoying spending time with this soon not to be only child

Working on quilt top number two when number one is still in progress (hurry up Fabricland sales so I can get my batting and backing!!). AND, of course enjoying those super sweet kitties and their peeking under doors when they get left out. Seriously can't get enough of them. Best. Cats. Ever.

Up next: more quilting, more pretending to work and trying not to check out completely, more freaking out and counting down days (12) AHHHHHH!!!!

Catch up - Seattle

Oy, where to begin? The last couple of weeks have been a whirl wind of the crazies and busyness and, well, name an emotion and I think I've had it. Actually the whirl wind started the week before when we went on a 3 day Seattle binge for a last minute and probably last chance get away. It looked like this:

 Early morn' plane ride (why do we always book ridiculously early flights?!)

 

A full day of wondering and walking the market and harbour

 Practicing our horror movie faces at the EMP museum

 

 The aquarium (I love them those otters)

 

 

 

 Chihuly Garden and Glass Exhibit. Loved loved loved it.

Underground tour and serious seafood night. Both were delicious.

Short and sweet. That's how you play catch up:)