In on it

 

This book is awesome. 

 

 In on it: What adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption. 

A guide for relatives and friends.

 By Elisabeth O'toole

I bought if for family and quickly read through it in one evening. As I sat to write this, I tried to go back and find my favorite passages to quote, but I'd just end up copying the entire book.

Although the book is written by an American author, and the process of adoption in Canada vs. America, Domestic vs. International, Private vs. Public etc etc. are vastly different, I found that this book captured the similarities of all those experiences as well as the underlying themes, feeling and messages that as an adoptive parent you experience. And, despite the vast differences in  the different kinds of adoptions, I was surprised at how closely it followed our process of domestic public adoption in Canada. The feelings, the stages, people reactions (oh gawd, people's reactions!) apparently are pretty darn universal in the adoption world, which I found reassuring and comforting.

Although the whole book, every chapter, every paragraph was like it was coming from my mouth, the one section that I could really really relate to was Chapter 7 - Talking about adoption and people's reactions.
The author lists some of the highlights form her own reaction pool including "how much did he cost?", "did you think about adopting from Utah? There are lots of white babies there and people don't drink", and "wow I just don't think I could ever adopt" (in front of her adopted kids). In a recent conversation with a coworker who has an adopted niece, she told me that her parents were asked "well is she from here?" and "is she normal". Sigh....

Since October, when we decided to adopt, we've heard it all too. Apparently it's another thing that is apparently universal in adoptionland.

(FYI, here comes a rant)

I get it that people don't mean to hurt my feelings, or are ill intending in their words, but there has been many statements to our news that have been surprisingly hurtful and offensive. It is shocking, the insensitivity and lack of self awareness that some people have.  I usually react with a tight lipped smile but some days it's hard to keep my mouth shut. I've had people shove ultrasounds of their growing babies in their belly's in my face minutes after talking about infertility. I've had people change the subject, literally change the subject to the weather without asking a question. I've had people ask if we are moving too fast, rushing into things (would you ask that to a 3 month old pregnant lady?) and my favorite so far has been (Me) " Hey soandso, nice new car, when did you buy it?" (soandso) "oh you don't buy a mini cooper, you adopt it. You get a certificate and everything"

However, probably the worst reaction of all is the "oh wow, good for you guys....you'll get pregnant now for sure. hahah". Yeah, haha. Let me kick you, haha. Every time somebody says that to me, I really do feel like kicking them. Do people really think that adopting a child is a way to achieve a biological child? It's not an anti-birth control people, it's a human being. It's like a punch in the face and dismissal to all the intense emotions, the time, the hours and hours of reseach, the sleepless nights wondering if I could parent a child that isn't biologically mine/FASD/another race/older/abused/trauma (it goes on and on, trust me), and the hours and hours of paperwork and workshops we've put into getting our child. Yeah sometimes it happens, like less than 5% of the time, which is basically the same (0 - 10%) chances that most infertile women (this one included) are give to have a biological child. But that's 5% chance over the next 20 or 25 years.  Not likely people, not bloody likely.

(Rant mostly over)

This reaction and it's inappropriateness is stated so strongly yet respectfully in the book and really explains it well, without kicking somebody, that it's probably one of my favourite sections.

So please, no matter what news story you heard on tv. No matter what miracle drug a friend a of a friend took and they got pregnant, don't tell someone that as soon as they adopt they will get pregnant. The adoptive parents (the ones who have arrived in adoptionworld due to infertility anyway) have already explored their options, talked to the experts, tried the drugs, and accepted it and moved passed it.

 (Ok, it's really over now)

Anyway, the point of this post isn't to kick and scream (ok it is a little bit), but to let people know of this great great book and if you know somebody adopting I highly recommend it so you can be in on it too.