I often think about Jonathan's life when he was born. How can I not?
I wonder how many times he was left to cry in his crib and nobody came to comfort him. I wonder how many times he hurt himself and had nobody to pick him up and kiss him better. And I wonder a thousand other questions...What did he see, what did he hear? Does he remember? Somewhere deep deep down, does he remember? We can tell his body remembers, sometimes his brain too. The back of his head is very flat (how many hours were you left to lay there?), he has strange reactions to different things sometimes...
If I let myself, I can imagine all the scenarios. But mostly I stop before I go to that place. A part of me wants to know all the dirty nitty-gritty details - I think it will help me have a better understanding of where he's coming from and what he needs. Maybe it would give some insight into why he does some of the things he does. But there's another part of me that would rather not know any more than I already do.We do know some of what he witnessed, what his environments were like (there were 5), what he experienced. Some, but not all.
I believe that people do the best they can with what they have.
I believe that his biological mom did what she believed was good. And she did her best.
I believe she was not an unkind person.
But then, I let my mind wonder and I go to that place. And I get angry. And I get sad. And I'm unsure if I can believe those things anymore.
I know bad things happen to children every day and they are horrible and no child should have those terrible experiences. And I'm sad for them too.
But this is my boy. This is personal.
Why did it take so long (almost 2 years) for somebody to notice he was Deaf?
Why did it take so long (almost 3 years) for somebody to realize that he was not well cared for?
Loved, most likely. Cared for, not so much.
Where would he be if he had been a stable, good home from birth? Would he communicate better? Would he be more socially appropriate? Would he not ask for a hug every time you gave him the look (you know the look, the mom look)? But then again, he wouldn't be him.
He is fantastic. He is funny. He is a sweet and good, kind, little boy. But he also has his 'stuff'. A lot of stuff. And although that stuff is what makes him him, he's 4 and shouldn't have stuff. Cue the anger and sadness; round and round it goes.
I think about his bio mom often. Maybe more than I should? I think about how
horrible it must be to have to say good bye to your child, knowing that
even though you want to, you don't have the ability to raise him. Did
she cry? Does she think about him? Does she wonder where he is and who we are and how he's doing? Does she understand all that has happened? And this makes me sad too.
At the end of the day we know only what we know. We can read the few reports about his history that we have and we can make conclusions about his behaviour from his everyday reactions to everyday things. We can guess at other peoples' feelings and what they may be thinking, but there are many things we may never know. And I accept that. I think if you can't accept it, you don't adopt!
What is important is to focus on the positive things. The progress he is making with speech and signing; with attachment and settling in. The many many people, including his amazing last foster mom who did more him in a few months than anybody else had his whole life, who have loved and cared for this little boy. School staff who put his school picture up on their fridge because they thought nobody else was going to. The amount of people who have surrounded this little boy, cheering in his corner is awe-inspiring.
What is important is that we be compassionate to others. To try to be
understanding and accepting, despite any anger and sadness. We can be
angry and we can be sad, but we need to figure out a way to be okay with
it, and then kick it out.
What is important is to love the beans out the little boy sleeping in the next room and give him all we can.
And we will do our best, with what we have.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
An Adoption Story
Every time I think about sitting down to write, I go blank. There is so much to say - I could talk about attachment, siblings, Deafness, new routines, new love, a new level of busy and tired (and I have been trying to maintain a bit of sewing to keep from loosing myself completely in paint, trips to the park and laundry, so I could even just write about the latest sewing)...but it all seems scattered and lost in the chaos.
So, I think to help organize my mushy brain I will start at the beginning. I hope that it will help me process how the heck we got here and maybe help others understand or give insight into what a crazy and incredible journey adoption is.
Here it is, Jonathan's Adoption Story.
In December 2010 I was told that I may have Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) - basically a condition that means my ovaries (but I only gots one due to a cyst destroying the other 10 years ago...so ovari?!) ran out of eggs a wee bit too early (I was 30) and basically I was going into menopause. You can read more about POF here.
I was lost. I was hurt and crushed and felt things that I don't even know how to describe. Like most people who struggle with infertility, there is a process of grief to run through and boy did I run. I struggled with the loss of not being able to have children but also had much concern over the health implications such as increased risk to heart disease, breast cancer and osteoporosis to consider as well. There was Hormone Replacement Therapy to think about, fertility gods to consult, calcium to start taking, bone scans to schedule and many many doctors. It was a scary time.
Gord and I were both freaked out. So we did what we do - we jumped on a plane. Gord surprised me with a trip to Cuba for a week so we could clear our heads and just be us. Gawd I love that man. It allowed us to escape our everyday and try to process it all. For the first week of January 2011, I felt like me again. Normal. Happy in my flipflops and in the sunshine. And a world away from my grief.
I was referred to a specialist, but while we waited for our appointment we were told that it may still be possible to have kids and to try. In August 2011 we had our specialist appointment and it was confirmed that I did indeed have POF. I went through all the emotions again, this time with the added bonus of having hot flashes for a few months too (I think my body was reacting to the shock as I haven't had them again since). We also met with the fertility clinic (amongst a lifetime worth of doctors in a few short months). But this was all just formality and going through the motions of what I/we were suppose to do. We knew immediately that we would not spend years pursuing intense and costly fertility treatments through egg donation, which was our only option. It just wasn't for us. We knew that if we were going to raise a child together, something we really wanted to do, adoption was the obvious choice.
International adoption was never a consideration and after a brief panic strickin', emotionally fueled week of insisting we need to go through private adoption because I wanted a baby, I needed a baby to make me feel like a 'real' mom (oh lordy I could write a really long post about that one), it seemed pretty normal to choose to adopt from our local foster care system. Perhaps it was because we were a blended family and our definition of family has always been very broad, or maybe because we work in the social work field and along side the foster care system, but choosing to adopt locally from foster care just seemed to fit and be the right decision. And so we began.
We filled out and mailed away FOUR PAGES. Yep, 4 pages about a human being who would rock our world that we didn't even know. Seems a bit odd. But then again, the whole process is a bit odd!
Our 4 pages were filled out in mid October 2011. Just before Christmas time we recieved a package in the mail with training dates, information and a contact name. In January and February we completed our "training", 5 days of listening to things about trauma, FASD, attachment and resources - all things we already knew. But, regardless it was done.
It was around this time that I learned of Jonathan through my boss who was doing respite for him occasionally. As I was talking to her one day in her office about where we were in our adoption process, she told me about Johnathan and showed me a picture. I was done. That was him. That was my boy. I didn't say it out loud for fear of being told I was crazy.
But in my heart I knew.
To say it out loud would have been ridiculous - we were many steps and months away, maybe even another year away from starting to think about placement. And, we didn't know anything about this kid.
But I knew.
The fact that he was Deaf and was learning ASL seemed like it was meant to be as I had wanted to be an interpreter when I was younger and attended college for a year before changing my mind- but not before falling in love with signing.
That night, I showed Gord the picture and he quickly looked away and said it was way to early to start thinking about that and we shouldn't have pictures of him anyway (he was right). But I know now that he was on team Jonathan too.
We pushed him to the back of our minds as best we could but kept track through my boss of his whereabouts. We got assigned a social worker and let her know that we knew of this boy and we would be interested in adopting him, if it was determined he was a good fit for our family.
Our home study, a long process of giving your life story and intimate details about your upbringing, your relationships, and everything in between was completed in early July 2012 and we were deemed to be somewhat responsible and capable people to parent a child and we were approved as an official adoptive home. There were a couple more meetings with our social worker and a few phone calls before we found out that we were in fact a good fit for Jonathan.
Whoa. It was actually happening.
We were given a date for our Information Sharing - a meeting where you learn all about your potential child. Their needs, strengths, history etc. We also got to talk to the school, his therapists, social worker and foster mom. But his meeting at this point, was almost a month away.
The waiting and the process up until this point was easy. Now, knowing that our boy was right there, but we still had to wait, well that was rough. I found it really difficult and may have got a tad bit irritable and grumpy. Gord and I were both very stressed (he was also publishing a book and going to school for his Masters) so to say we were busy and overwhelmed would be an understatement. Throw in highly charged emotions and an unknown future and you get two people about to burst at the seams.
The whole process had come to this peak, and we stood on the peak waiting for the signal to start running down the other side but it was like the gate was stuck we still had to stand there and wait. So we stood on the peak about to burst and we did what we do when we get to any peak - we jumped on a plane. We took off to Seattle for the weekend. We aren't good at not traveling when we are stressed. It was what we needed and it was nice to do some of the waiting amongst different scenery for a few days.
Finally, our Info Share day came and we went through an overwhelming 4 hours of history and details on Jonathan. We learned of his bio parents, siblings, his multiple placements, his personality, his strengths and his needs etc. Although we knew it would be a lot to take in and we were prepared for it, nothing can really prepare you for it all and by the end of the day, our heads really felt like they might explode. It wasn't so much the actual content of the information it was just the volume of it all and the enormity of what we were about to venture into. We'd been talking and planning and talking and talking so much for the past year, even before that really, and now it all came down to us saying one word. Yes. Yes we want this little guy full of love and a fire in his belly forever. Yes yes yes. It was huge.
(*Like many other adoptive parents we have chosen not to disclose much of Jonathan's history except to close friends and family. It is his story to share and one that he will come to learn as he grows up and is able to understand more and if he chooses to share than it will be his decision)
A realllly looooong week later we got to meet Jonathan at his foster moms' house. It was a very surreal couple hours, but felt very normal as well. It all seemed like it was meant to be. Not that I didn't have my doubts and think 'holy sh*# how are we going to handle this?' but that was definitely not our only, or first, thoughts! For five days we met and visited with Jonathan in the evening times. One night Gord and I took him out to dinner and I think that was our real holy sh*# moment. It felt chaotic and we fumbled around with this little stranger who seemed to be ruling over us. In hindsight, I think it was simply too soon and if we would have put that off a few days we would have felt much more confident in venturing something like dinner, or anything in public really!
A week after we met, Jonathan spent the night and officially moved in. It's been about a month now and we are slowly getting use to our new normal and starting to establish new routines and settle into life with a 4 year old.
It's been a huge adjustment on not only our routines but also our patience, our personal time, energy levels, brain capacity...nothing is goes untouched by adoption. One of the biggest adjustments has been with Anthony and how Jonathan has affected him. I hope to write more about that, as well as some of the other challenges that comes with adopting an older child and some of Jonathan's needs (having a Deaf child, attachment, etc) and things around defining being a mom and infertility in the weeks months to come (maybe with a bit of sewing and other everyday life stuff thrown in too).
For now though, I will practice expanding my patience, enjoy every hug and laugh, sit in wonderment at this little guys resilience, and try to get some extra sleep:)
So, I think to help organize my mushy brain I will start at the beginning. I hope that it will help me process how the heck we got here and maybe help others understand or give insight into what a crazy and incredible journey adoption is.
Here it is, Jonathan's Adoption Story.
In December 2010 I was told that I may have Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) - basically a condition that means my ovaries (but I only gots one due to a cyst destroying the other 10 years ago...so ovari?!) ran out of eggs a wee bit too early (I was 30) and basically I was going into menopause. You can read more about POF here.
I was lost. I was hurt and crushed and felt things that I don't even know how to describe. Like most people who struggle with infertility, there is a process of grief to run through and boy did I run. I struggled with the loss of not being able to have children but also had much concern over the health implications such as increased risk to heart disease, breast cancer and osteoporosis to consider as well. There was Hormone Replacement Therapy to think about, fertility gods to consult, calcium to start taking, bone scans to schedule and many many doctors. It was a scary time.
Gord and I were both freaked out. So we did what we do - we jumped on a plane. Gord surprised me with a trip to Cuba for a week so we could clear our heads and just be us. Gawd I love that man. It allowed us to escape our everyday and try to process it all. For the first week of January 2011, I felt like me again. Normal. Happy in my flipflops and in the sunshine. And a world away from my grief.
I was referred to a specialist, but while we waited for our appointment we were told that it may still be possible to have kids and to try. In August 2011 we had our specialist appointment and it was confirmed that I did indeed have POF. I went through all the emotions again, this time with the added bonus of having hot flashes for a few months too (I think my body was reacting to the shock as I haven't had them again since). We also met with the fertility clinic (amongst a lifetime worth of doctors in a few short months). But this was all just formality and going through the motions of what I/we were suppose to do. We knew immediately that we would not spend years pursuing intense and costly fertility treatments through egg donation, which was our only option. It just wasn't for us. We knew that if we were going to raise a child together, something we really wanted to do, adoption was the obvious choice.
International adoption was never a consideration and after a brief panic strickin', emotionally fueled week of insisting we need to go through private adoption because I wanted a baby, I needed a baby to make me feel like a 'real' mom (oh lordy I could write a really long post about that one), it seemed pretty normal to choose to adopt from our local foster care system. Perhaps it was because we were a blended family and our definition of family has always been very broad, or maybe because we work in the social work field and along side the foster care system, but choosing to adopt locally from foster care just seemed to fit and be the right decision. And so we began.
We filled out and mailed away FOUR PAGES. Yep, 4 pages about a human being who would rock our world that we didn't even know. Seems a bit odd. But then again, the whole process is a bit odd!
Our 4 pages were filled out in mid October 2011. Just before Christmas time we recieved a package in the mail with training dates, information and a contact name. In January and February we completed our "training", 5 days of listening to things about trauma, FASD, attachment and resources - all things we already knew. But, regardless it was done.
It was around this time that I learned of Jonathan through my boss who was doing respite for him occasionally. As I was talking to her one day in her office about where we were in our adoption process, she told me about Johnathan and showed me a picture. I was done. That was him. That was my boy. I didn't say it out loud for fear of being told I was crazy.
But in my heart I knew.
To say it out loud would have been ridiculous - we were many steps and months away, maybe even another year away from starting to think about placement. And, we didn't know anything about this kid.
But I knew.
The fact that he was Deaf and was learning ASL seemed like it was meant to be as I had wanted to be an interpreter when I was younger and attended college for a year before changing my mind- but not before falling in love with signing.
That night, I showed Gord the picture and he quickly looked away and said it was way to early to start thinking about that and we shouldn't have pictures of him anyway (he was right). But I know now that he was on team Jonathan too.
We pushed him to the back of our minds as best we could but kept track through my boss of his whereabouts. We got assigned a social worker and let her know that we knew of this boy and we would be interested in adopting him, if it was determined he was a good fit for our family.
Our home study, a long process of giving your life story and intimate details about your upbringing, your relationships, and everything in between was completed in early July 2012 and we were deemed to be somewhat responsible and capable people to parent a child and we were approved as an official adoptive home. There were a couple more meetings with our social worker and a few phone calls before we found out that we were in fact a good fit for Jonathan.
Whoa. It was actually happening.
We were given a date for our Information Sharing - a meeting where you learn all about your potential child. Their needs, strengths, history etc. We also got to talk to the school, his therapists, social worker and foster mom. But his meeting at this point, was almost a month away.
The waiting and the process up until this point was easy. Now, knowing that our boy was right there, but we still had to wait, well that was rough. I found it really difficult and may have got a tad bit irritable and grumpy. Gord and I were both very stressed (he was also publishing a book and going to school for his Masters) so to say we were busy and overwhelmed would be an understatement. Throw in highly charged emotions and an unknown future and you get two people about to burst at the seams.
The whole process had come to this peak, and we stood on the peak waiting for the signal to start running down the other side but it was like the gate was stuck we still had to stand there and wait. So we stood on the peak about to burst and we did what we do when we get to any peak - we jumped on a plane. We took off to Seattle for the weekend. We aren't good at not traveling when we are stressed. It was what we needed and it was nice to do some of the waiting amongst different scenery for a few days.
Finally, our Info Share day came and we went through an overwhelming 4 hours of history and details on Jonathan. We learned of his bio parents, siblings, his multiple placements, his personality, his strengths and his needs etc. Although we knew it would be a lot to take in and we were prepared for it, nothing can really prepare you for it all and by the end of the day, our heads really felt like they might explode. It wasn't so much the actual content of the information it was just the volume of it all and the enormity of what we were about to venture into. We'd been talking and planning and talking and talking so much for the past year, even before that really, and now it all came down to us saying one word. Yes. Yes we want this little guy full of love and a fire in his belly forever. Yes yes yes. It was huge.
(*Like many other adoptive parents we have chosen not to disclose much of Jonathan's history except to close friends and family. It is his story to share and one that he will come to learn as he grows up and is able to understand more and if he chooses to share than it will be his decision)
A realllly looooong week later we got to meet Jonathan at his foster moms' house. It was a very surreal couple hours, but felt very normal as well. It all seemed like it was meant to be. Not that I didn't have my doubts and think 'holy sh*# how are we going to handle this?' but that was definitely not our only, or first, thoughts! For five days we met and visited with Jonathan in the evening times. One night Gord and I took him out to dinner and I think that was our real holy sh*# moment. It felt chaotic and we fumbled around with this little stranger who seemed to be ruling over us. In hindsight, I think it was simply too soon and if we would have put that off a few days we would have felt much more confident in venturing something like dinner, or anything in public really!
A week after we met, Jonathan spent the night and officially moved in. It's been about a month now and we are slowly getting use to our new normal and starting to establish new routines and settle into life with a 4 year old.
It's been a huge adjustment on not only our routines but also our patience, our personal time, energy levels, brain capacity...nothing is goes untouched by adoption. One of the biggest adjustments has been with Anthony and how Jonathan has affected him. I hope to write more about that, as well as some of the other challenges that comes with adopting an older child and some of Jonathan's needs (having a Deaf child, attachment, etc) and things around defining being a mom and infertility in the weeks months to come (maybe with a bit of sewing and other everyday life stuff thrown in too).
For now though, I will practice expanding my patience, enjoy every hug and laugh, sit in wonderment at this little guys resilience, and try to get some extra sleep:)
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Mushy Brain
There is so much to write about...but my brain is failing to string anything smart or well written together. The thoughts are forming, slowly in my mushy lovestruck brain, and hopefully soon I'll be able to spit them out.
What I can say for sure is that we are in a state of happiness, emotional and physical exhaustion, and a very big adjustment for Anthony.
This little boy has brought so much joy in just a few short days it's incredible. He's into everything, curious as a monkey, busy as the busiest boy you've ever met. But underneath the crazy he's got a sweet heart and the best smile. Even things like a 4am wake up call this morning was made ok by a good nap with him snuggled in beside me on the couch all cozy. I loved every. single. minute.
I love every busy, constant moment of 'mommy? mommy? mommy?....'
It makes me very happy. And happy is something even a mushy brain can recognize.
What I can say for sure is that we are in a state of happiness, emotional and physical exhaustion, and a very big adjustment for Anthony.
This little boy has brought so much joy in just a few short days it's incredible. He's into everything, curious as a monkey, busy as the busiest boy you've ever met. But underneath the crazy he's got a sweet heart and the best smile. Even things like a 4am wake up call this morning was made ok by a good nap with him snuggled in beside me on the couch all cozy. I loved every. single. minute.
I love every busy, constant moment of 'mommy? mommy? mommy?....'
It makes me very happy. And happy is something even a mushy brain can recognize.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Jonathan
Yesterday we met our little boy! It was overwhelming yet very easy and natural at the same time. He recognized us from our pictures and called us mommy and daddy. I melted a little and started to cry but held off the ugly cry once I took a moment to breath. We played and hung out for an hour or so and he hugged us goodbye.
He's full of beans, very smart, and very expressive.
This kid is amazing.
For the rest of the night we kept looking at each other with a 'did that just really happen?' look. It's hard to believe after thinking about that moment so many times that it actually finally happened.
We will continue to do some visits over the next week building up to him spending Monday night with us and if all goes well he will just stay. Tonight, Anthony is coming to meet Jonathan. Anthony's been a little hot and cold but over all a little in different about the whole situation. But, this past weekend he really got interested and was asking questions and maybe even got a little excited.
This morning, when he opened his door, he woke up to a celebration of his new big brother status:
He's full of beans, very smart, and very expressive.
This kid is amazing.
For the rest of the night we kept looking at each other with a 'did that just really happen?' look. It's hard to believe after thinking about that moment so many times that it actually finally happened.
We will continue to do some visits over the next week building up to him spending Monday night with us and if all goes well he will just stay. Tonight, Anthony is coming to meet Jonathan. Anthony's been a little hot and cold but over all a little in different about the whole situation. But, this past weekend he really got interested and was asking questions and maybe even got a little excited.
This morning, when he opened his door, he woke up to a celebration of his new big brother status:
He was pretty tickled.
We cannot wait to go back and spend more time getting to know this little person.
There is so much more I want to write but don't know if I can without turning into a fountain. I think I need some time to process things and just to sit back and enjoy the moments that are coming our way.
Thank everyone for you're amazing support and excitement for us!
We are so happy to be a family of FOUR now!!!
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Almost there!
Infoshare. Check.
Information overload. Check.
Meet my little boy...still waiting!
We are through some of the official business; that happened Friday and both of us, running on only a few hours of sleep, had so many names and dates and thoughts and images of seeing our little guy at preschool (man alive he is cute) running through our heads that we felt like they were going to pop right off.
The rest of the official business comes tomorrow when we formally say yes to our worker. There is also a court shindig tomorrow to wrap up a document that should never have existed in the first place, but we are expecting no issues.
Next up, a transition plan will be put into place and we are hoping by late this week to go meet the little guy and start moving him into his forever home over the next couple of weeks!!!
So you know there's that. Whateves. No big deal. HA!
Also, this has been happening:
Cooked my first Turkey!
I've also been working away on my two quilts. Perhaps I will even come close to finishing one tomorrow if I...ahem...cough...cough...stay home from work tomorrow:) Got to stay busy somehow to keep away the crazy waiting!
Information overload. Check.
Meet my little boy...still waiting!
We are through some of the official business; that happened Friday and both of us, running on only a few hours of sleep, had so many names and dates and thoughts and images of seeing our little guy at preschool (man alive he is cute) running through our heads that we felt like they were going to pop right off.
The rest of the official business comes tomorrow when we formally say yes to our worker. There is also a court shindig tomorrow to wrap up a document that should never have existed in the first place, but we are expecting no issues.
Next up, a transition plan will be put into place and we are hoping by late this week to go meet the little guy and start moving him into his forever home over the next couple of weeks!!!
So you know there's that. Whateves. No big deal. HA!
Also, this has been happening:
Cooked my first Turkey! 
The cats have been extra cute and extra cuddly since it got chilly out.
I took this as a sign to start making a scarf
Had an epic (5 hours counts as epic right?) board game night with some friends
and an impromptu date night with my love.
We went for a walk/hike one day...and then this happened
I found The Jackpot. Plus we bought a few wee things for the little guy.
You may sense a theme in his items.
I baked banana bread today and have been slowly figuring out my dehydrator.
You'd think it would be simpler....
I've also been working away on my two quilts. Perhaps I will even come close to finishing one tomorrow if I...ahem...cough...cough...stay home from work tomorrow:) Got to stay busy somehow to keep away the crazy waiting!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Bring it on
Yesterday it was hard to breath.
The excitement of it all, now that it's only a week away, was brought up a notch as 7 days suddenly seems tangible. 7 days is doable and foreseeable. 7 days seems like a good place to count down from.
The butterflies moved in.
We officially began freakin' out.
My head is everywhere; can't focus, can't keep on topic during a conversation. Even if that conversation is about J it spurs a maze of off-shooting thoughts.
How the heck do I get through the next week?! Today as I was driving home from work, I thought for a moment that it wasn't actually safe for me to be driving. Yep, that's how far my brain has wondered. I had to take deep breaths and turn up the talk radio to try to get out of my head.
Breath.
Breath.
Breath.
I figure tomorrow I start list writing. That always seems to calm me down.
And we made some celebration plans.
Thursday night, the night before our Infoshare and possibly the last night Gord and I will have just the two of us (because of the way Anthony's schedule is with his mom's house and if things move like we think they will we are assuming it's THE last night of our half time parenting), we are going out to celebration the end of a chapter in our lives together. We are going to a restaurant that we can't take kids to and we are going to celebrate US. Then on Saturday we are going to celebrate Anthony and his last few moments of being an only child and do something that we wouldn't do with a 4 year old - We are going to bundle up once it's dark and drive out of town and do some star gazing (and if we are lucky see some northern lights). And we will probably eat cake. Late at night. Just because we can. And four year olds, well they can't, so that's pretty special.
Bring it on; the tears, the excitement, the joy, the fear, the everything. I'm so ready for this.
The excitement of it all, now that it's only a week away, was brought up a notch as 7 days suddenly seems tangible. 7 days is doable and foreseeable. 7 days seems like a good place to count down from.
The butterflies moved in.
We officially began freakin' out.
My head is everywhere; can't focus, can't keep on topic during a conversation. Even if that conversation is about J it spurs a maze of off-shooting thoughts.
How the heck do I get through the next week?! Today as I was driving home from work, I thought for a moment that it wasn't actually safe for me to be driving. Yep, that's how far my brain has wondered. I had to take deep breaths and turn up the talk radio to try to get out of my head.
Breath.
Breath.
Breath.
I figure tomorrow I start list writing. That always seems to calm me down.
And we made some celebration plans.
Thursday night, the night before our Infoshare and possibly the last night Gord and I will have just the two of us (because of the way Anthony's schedule is with his mom's house and if things move like we think they will we are assuming it's THE last night of our half time parenting), we are going out to celebration the end of a chapter in our lives together. We are going to a restaurant that we can't take kids to and we are going to celebrate US. Then on Saturday we are going to celebrate Anthony and his last few moments of being an only child and do something that we wouldn't do with a 4 year old - We are going to bundle up once it's dark and drive out of town and do some star gazing (and if we are lucky see some northern lights). And we will probably eat cake. Late at night. Just because we can. And four year olds, well they can't, so that's pretty special.
Bring it on; the tears, the excitement, the joy, the fear, the everything. I'm so ready for this.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Fall photo explosion.
We have had a beautiful fall. Usually in Calgary we get summer and winter but every few years we actually get a few weeks of warm days, cool nights and yellow leaves on the trees for more than 3 days (really, they're all yellow, no orange, no red. Yellow). It's been fantastic.
After getting the news about our match and scheduling our Information Sharing (for October 19th - yeah yeah!) we've been balancing all the excitement and freaking out with carrying on with our everyday...or at least going through the motions but now just with all kinds of crazy thoughts running in our heads! This is what we've been up to:
Working on quilt top number two when number one is still in progress (hurry up Fabricland sales so I can get my batting and backing!!). AND, of course enjoying those super sweet kitties and their peeking under doors when they get left out. Seriously can't get enough of them. Best. Cats. Ever.
Up next: more quilting, more pretending to work and trying not to check out completely, more freaking out and counting down days (12) AHHHHHH!!!!
After getting the news about our match and scheduling our Information Sharing (for October 19th - yeah yeah!) we've been balancing all the excitement and freaking out with carrying on with our everyday...or at least going through the motions but now just with all kinds of crazy thoughts running in our heads! This is what we've been up to:
Enjoying a real fall and harvesting the last morsals of our wee garden
Enjoying no-rush weekend cooking and dressing like I'm
going to the county fair in my new boots (from Seattle:)
Enjoying being tourists in our own city during a city open house
(yyc naked) and exploring cool old buildings and spaces.
Getting Anthony into the new hobby of model building. And this one I'm not enjoying, but had to post it - Yep that's a spider in my grapes. You can see where I just pulled one off and ate it before discovering this little friend. I did enjoy that he was dead. I'm now in thearpy.
Enjoying spending time with this soon not to be only child
Up next: more quilting, more pretending to work and trying not to check out completely, more freaking out and counting down days (12) AHHHHHH!!!!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Matched!
It happened!
Very unexpectedly and much faster than we thought it would - We got a phone call the other day from our amazing worker who told us that were matched with the little guy we know about. We are in a bit of shock to say the least and I think that somebody let loose a flock of butterflies in my belly!
BUT.....
There is a court document that needs to be revoked or our adoption can't proceed. Bio mom is being served papers to revoke this and if she shows up to court and disagrees than game over. Chances are slim, but there is a chance it all may not happen.
So we have 32 days to wait to find out and just a few days before the court date we will go ahead with an information sharing session to learn all about the wee man because we are assuming (with every rabbit foot, crossed finger, shining star we's got) that it will be ok.
More anxiety. More waiting. More dreaming....
Very unexpectedly and much faster than we thought it would - We got a phone call the other day from our amazing worker who told us that were matched with the little guy we know about. We are in a bit of shock to say the least and I think that somebody let loose a flock of butterflies in my belly!
BUT.....
There is a court document that needs to be revoked or our adoption can't proceed. Bio mom is being served papers to revoke this and if she shows up to court and disagrees than game over. Chances are slim, but there is a chance it all may not happen.
So we have 32 days to wait to find out and just a few days before the court date we will go ahead with an information sharing session to learn all about the wee man because we are assuming (with every rabbit foot, crossed finger, shining star we's got) that it will be ok.
More anxiety. More waiting. More dreaming....
Thursday, September 6, 2012
The other kind of adoption cry
There is another kind of crying that comes along with the adoption; it's equally as messy as the frustration tears, but it's WAY better.
It's the grateful cry.
I can not even write this without the screen getting blurry though all my grateful tears.
These tears have been coming more frequent over the last month or so. It happens when I start thinking about our friends and family and co-workers and their reactions to us adopting. They have been the most amazing and supportive people through this last year. Their genuine excitement and interest and kind words are ridiculously humbling. Sometimes they even cry too. Which of course makes me cry and then things quickly spiral out of control. They can even get a tad messy 'cause this girl ain't a pretty crier. But it's a ridiculously good messy.
And the kindness just keeps rollin'. It's not an ask a few questions to be polite and forget it kind of thing. They keep asking what the latest news is and where things are at week after week. They want to know how we are doing and why I keep showing up at work instead of being at home! They are supportive and excited and kind and amazing.
The grateful cry comes because there was a time when I thought I would not get to experience the excitement of others at the news of a new arrival to our family. I did not think I would have friends and co-workers talking about throwing parties and showers for us...ahhh, I need another freakin' kleenex.
It has been a roller coaster couple of years.
But I sit here contemplating it all and I am happy.
I am grateful for peoples kindness.
And it is all just ridiculously humbling.
What I'm trying to say is thank you to all of you who have asked questions, gotten excited and listened to us gush (and complain and worry and freak out) over every step forward. It's overwhelming and perfect.
It's the grateful cry.
I can not even write this without the screen getting blurry though all my grateful tears.
These tears have been coming more frequent over the last month or so. It happens when I start thinking about our friends and family and co-workers and their reactions to us adopting. They have been the most amazing and supportive people through this last year. Their genuine excitement and interest and kind words are ridiculously humbling. Sometimes they even cry too. Which of course makes me cry and then things quickly spiral out of control. They can even get a tad messy 'cause this girl ain't a pretty crier. But it's a ridiculously good messy.
And the kindness just keeps rollin'. It's not an ask a few questions to be polite and forget it kind of thing. They keep asking what the latest news is and where things are at week after week. They want to know how we are doing and why I keep showing up at work instead of being at home! They are supportive and excited and kind and amazing.
The grateful cry comes because there was a time when I thought I would not get to experience the excitement of others at the news of a new arrival to our family. I did not think I would have friends and co-workers talking about throwing parties and showers for us...ahhh, I need another freakin' kleenex.
It has been a roller coaster couple of years.
But I sit here contemplating it all and I am happy.
I am grateful for peoples kindness.
And it is all just ridiculously humbling.
What I'm trying to say is thank you to all of you who have asked questions, gotten excited and listened to us gush (and complain and worry and freak out) over every step forward. It's overwhelming and perfect.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Quick photo update
There's been a wholelotta sewing happen' around here. Mostly little presents and some epic quilting preparations . I made these pocket warmers for little gifts, and for us too (ok for me; I can never been too warm in winter 'round here)
Last weekend we went to Globalfest. Twice.
It was fantastic. I love fireworks. The shows were amazing and worth the crowds of people and $9dollar bag of mini doughnuts. Nothing more to say. Can't wait again for next year...maybe we'll go three times:)
I made peach jam. It looks better than it is. I panicked at a crucial moment and now it's a very thick, very sweet jam. That's okay, it was my first time and many lessons learned. I don't think I can use it as presents but Gord and Anthony seem to like it...after 12 jars though....
I got some more carrots from the garden! There are a few strays still lingering that might grow big enough (and some beets and radishes and lettuce) if the weather stays nice a bit longer. The plans for next years garden are already floating around in my head...
When I was home in May I went through so many old photos from my childhood and really enjoyed the ones of my whole family together. I realized we didn't have that many so I made another new tradition that every summer we will take a family photo. This is 2012's... we may need a bigger porch for next year! (don't mind the half dead pansies, they've been there since May).
That's it that's all. Anthony goes back to school this week, we meet with our adoption worker on Friday, and I may, cough cough, need to take a sick day this week tosew rest up.
These two bunches of fabric arrived in my mail box this week. I have plans for the one on the left to do a lazy kind of quilt that I saw a tutorial for on Pinterest and the one on the left I want to try a disapperaing nine patch quilt. I think I need to grab a few more pieces to supplement the stash before I start.
This quilt I started today...sort of. Really Christine and I started this 2ish (maybe 3?) years ago, sending fabric back and forth to and from Adelaide and Calgary a few squares at a time. We now have the same stack of scrap fabric cut into 4.5 inch squares. Chris did some serious research into adding linen into the mix and after much colour debate and testing, she picked this grey linen. Which also arrived in my mail on this week. This weekend I washed and cut and started to sew it all together and in the end we will have basically matching quilts but with different layouts once they are all finished!
Last weekend we went to Globalfest. Twice.
It was fantastic. I love fireworks. The shows were amazing and worth the crowds of people and $9dollar bag of mini doughnuts. Nothing more to say. Can't wait again for next year...maybe we'll go three times:)
We kept up our campfires. And of course more smores.
What's a week without a cat picture or two?
That's it that's all. Anthony goes back to school this week, we meet with our adoption worker on Friday, and I may, cough cough, need to take a sick day this week to
Friday, August 17, 2012
Holy Fantastic Summer Batman!
Fringe Festival and Sunfest. The two go hand in hand. We didn't get to see as many plays this year as we have the previous two but we still had fun and the weather was fan-freakin'-tastic. We even
We bought bocce ball. We've only been out once, but it's ready and
waiting by the front door for any impromptu game that may pop up.
One of us went to his first sleep away camp and had blast
(this was the before where things were a bit more unsure)
We ate at the Calgary Food Trucks one night for dinner.
It was by the river, it was hot. I had lemon gelato. Nuff said.
Went to the Chinese Festival with Anthony and his friend Max. Then took them for
Thai food (makes sense right?) I got the sense it was Max's first time eating
something more exotic than a pb and j....he did pretty good considering!
I made cheese sauce from scratch, with no recipie. I think this officially means I can cook. This is big news.
We had lumberjack training camp in the back yard. Anthony was pretty good and I was very impressed since he can barely life the ax! He was very determined and worked really hard and did better than I can!
Enter the rolo smore. Say no more, except this: This coming weekend there are plans for
some more serious smore testing and experimenting. We know how to rock a campfire.
I made two baby quilts. The plan is to sell some and fund me getting out of the house while on parental leave. I want to learn Spanish and maybe take some kind of dance class again...anybody in the quilt market?
We've had a couple of wicked storms the last week and this was trying to break into our
house during one of them. So loud it was unbelievable. We were luck though and had no
major damage like some people who had their windshields smashed out of the cars!
We volunteered at my works annual casino. As you can see by how they serve their tea, it's
a classy joint. I watched the food network for 8 hours in between my very infrequent duties.
This weekend should be a bit quieter...maybe...but we still have lots on the go and lots of fun summer plans in the works. Hope you are all well:)
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